Heathers

An epic tale of the changelessness of humanity, no matter the actions taken.

When a couple of cute 17 year olds, Smoothie and AdoptoGaard, wanted to know about fashion in the late 80s and early 90s, I, being the loving elder that I am, first thought Clueless. It wasn't free on Netflix, but the internet seems to know me pretty damn well, and it spaketh: “You Will Like Heathers.”

It's true, I do.

Zap forward an hour and a half---

AdoptoGaard is shouting “I told you! He wasn't dead! Find an adult!” she gets so excited she leaps, double footed off the super plush, super suburban couch and gestures with both hands wildly at slightly worse-for-wear Winona Ryder.

Heathers isn't about achieving happy ends through following society's suggestions, NetFlix aside. It's about forcing society to conform to ideals of the tortured, less popular kids in high school. Or at least it starts as a fantasy for those of us who fit that role. And it is appropriately cartoonish in its portrayal of this fantasy.

In its gore: a blue mouth full of draino, perfectly symmetrical gun shot wounds.

It's colourful in its language: “Very very,” “It's will be so very,” “I love my dead gay son!” And who could forget “F*** me gently with a chainsaw”? The quotes are timelessly naïve in their brutality and dipshittery.

In its wardrobe: Red scrunchiis, and the world's greatest cheerleader outfits (Kurt Cobain clearly jerked off to this film at some point). It's a time capsule of attitude.

It was exactly what Smoothie and AdoptoGaard needed, but not what they expected. No teen/tween movie made in the last 10 years has featured something so edgy as serial killing, suicide as a social problem, or even Christian Slater's lesser work with pirate radio in Pump Up the Volume.

If I'm wrong, I'm willing to watch. Challenges like defusing bombs are deemed too stressful or outlandish for teen/tweens, but if we've learned anything from the course of the nineties and the centurian zeroes, it is that people destroying their classmates is something you may want to prepare yourself for.

Books like How to Survive a Zombie Invasion or How to Survive a Robot Uprising may be amusing in their premise, and their deadly serious tone, but they won't actually help you stop Columbine from happening to your local collection of queen bees, nerds, jocks and outcasts.

Winona Ryder will. How ought one respond to finding out you just inadvertantly killed your greatest frenemy? Fake it to be a suicide. How do you stop your super hot boyfriend from blowing up your school? Shoot off his middle finger and smoke a cig.

AdoptoGaard was floored.

I feel my duty as a Knowledgable Elder has been fulfilled.