Good Writing Vs. Good Grammar

If you write clearly, readers will scan right over grammatical faux pas like a possesive its or your instead of the contraction it's or you're. When writing becomes cloudy, thoughts on the page come out confused, it may become necessary to clarify by scrutinizing the placement of an apostrophe.

My favorite recent example was simple. It's a tin tub that some baba may use for clothes washing. It's sold in Walmarts here, in the recreation section. Yep, one woman's daily grunt work is another man's tail gating -- we have here a grammatically incorrect ice + beer repository. On its side, embossed and unpainted, is the phrase:

Drink's

No prep-phrase, no further punctuation, no other thing on the other tin side.

I can only assume two situations leading up to this fantastic proclamation.

Drink is...
Drink owns...

Drink is actually an entity, person even, and he/she/it owns the contents of this bin. The fact that this implication is stamped there, far more permanent than flimsy, weather-susceptible paint, is quite the statement. Someone really wants you to know that the contents of this bin is DRINKS, except that they look dumb. The extra emphasis of physical form, and its being all in CAPS, makes this drink toter look particularly headlong crazy stupid. Not to mention that you need a specific bin for such a purpose, not just any bin, and this bin is not insulated like a cooler. The entire existence makes me a little giddy.

Another example, not from Walmart, not for plebs, is the acronym MOBIS. Mission Oriented Buisness Integrated Services. It sounds so good and encompassing and solidly important that it cannot help being a stand-out, motivational, desirable thing for you and your employees, or you and your degree, or you and your future. It should be on a poster with a dolphin.

However, if you are a noob to the business-sphere (as most professional volunteers are) you may look up this stand-out acronym. It may confuse you with its lead-fisted mission to inform you in as few words as possible.

Here is what I would do:

Mission-Oriented, Business-Integrated Services

Because it is four adjectives and a noun. The human eye can recognize three things in a clump together immediately, but four starts confusing it. Either your brain can clump it into two groups of two and do intuitive multiplication, or it can count one through four, or it can recognize three and add one. If your brain is like mine, it tries to run all three of these algorithms at once. If not, well done to your brains.

Grammar exists to asuage and expedite these sorts of things. By clumping the four adjectives into two groups of two adjectives it takes some of the pressure off uninformed brains. The hyphens clump, and the comma separates. The hyphens also show that the two noun/adjectives are describing the plain adjectives (I'm not so good I know the real terms for those, I'm pretty primitive myself).

Alternatively it could be:

Mission-Oriented, Business, Integrated Services

Not as physically pretty on the page, but still effective, takes down the adjectives to three (still intuitively recognizable). It does, however, change the meaning. This is where people who pay grammar, and in particular punctuation, lose their readers.

Are the services integrated? Is the business these services serve integrated? Are they business services that are integrated?

Without punctuation, you'd never know. They're just words in the ether of interpretation.

At least "Mission-Oriented" seems pretty straight forward. There's little other thing for either of these adjectives to be interpreting.

I know, this may be overkill. It may over analyse the message. You could argue the jumble of adjectives get the message across sufficiently without the grammar, and besides it's an acronym---people don't even pronounce the actual words! They pronounce the word "mobis", like mobil, but through a snake's mouth.

I stand by the idea that if MOBIS is a term to describe bettering your product (services are products) then you are falsely advertising the effectiveness of said product. That's all. It's bad, so the seller is bad, and I wouldn't spend my money there.

Vanity

Are all people as pre-occupied by appearence as I am? I spend very little time actually readying myself for public appearences, but spend gratuitous amounts of time before hand planning my whole wardrobe and minimal makeup repertoires. Scanning through haut couture magazines and analyzing minute blendings of color and placement of metallic shades above and below various layers of eyelash. I translate cartoon characters, and TV actress wardrobes and makeup sets from long shots to closeups, and try to find equivalents in my existent closet, then rake through malls for similar things. I do this in binges every 3 years or so, depending on my life situation.

The current transformation is from Peace Corps Volunteer to Yuppie.

Truth be told, half the Volunteers I met were already on the Yuppie Fast Track. Suits and delusions of power enough to help the world, a handsome bunch of Anakin Skywalkers. I went with a nice pair of linen slacks, Cairo circa 1942 sort of look, and a brace of brightly flowered button down shirts, two darts away from being Aloha wear. I had zero pairs of heels.

Little did I know what Moldovankas had in store... Two years' inundation of stillettos and sparkles birthed me back into America stylin.

Pair that with the year of Princess enforced one hour daily of fake eyelash application and costume scrutiny, it's amazing I don't preen constantly.

I do notice everything, though. From Hip:Leg ratio, whether you'd look better in profile or straight on, how much hotter you are than me, and me than you, hair maintanence, age of clothes, uneven eyeliner, brand of shoe, and whether all these things work for you or against your personality. How much they reflect your personality. How much of your personality you soak into these damned things. If I compliment your $500 Manolos, and you shrug or light up.

Anyway...I tell myself I only worry about these things when my mind is not otherwise occupied, like with work, or driving.

And since I do these things in binge cycles, I like having help. Since this one in particular is into unknown social territory, help would be nice. My first two forays were completely alone except for my mother's voice: "You know, you are petite."

This turns out to have been gold. I had no clue, but as soon as I walked into the super elite petite sections of Ann Taylor, it's like the clothes were made just for me! Like Guess things are for Key$a or American Apparel for my friend FrannyPants.

It was nice, but nearly as nice as my first shopping experience in Texas. It's Texas, things are bigger and better in Texas, right? Well, they are bitches about parking, but they know how to grease thier commissions. I had just been whinging with a shop girl at DKNY in Maryland about how I have no clue what clothes to buy for my first office job, and needed a personal assistant. She agreed, and folded the skirt and put it away.

These girls, Christine and Francesca, saw me walk in and didn't stop at "Hello, can I help you?" but expanded:

Hi! I'm Christine! What's your name?

Kiddo

So, how are you? What are we looking for today?

Oh, you know, work clothes.

Ok, well, I just helped a young lady in a legal office, do you like any of these (25) things.

They also served me Merlot, and gave me great advice, and I bought things from them without question, hoping they may get a slice. I was even sold a pencil skirt for $1. Their passion and professionalism were fantastic. They allowed me to think really hard for 1 hour, and now, my wardrobe is built to the point where I need not worry again about it.

Thank you.

Now I need my wardrobe to look like this:

And not just be a random bar slung between water works and a wood shelf.

Houston

I'm visiting my friend Houston, in his namesake hometown, for my vacation this year. What do I do, on my annual vacation, you ask? I work 8-10 hour days in a fun little office, and help host fun little networking round tables and presentations about oil wells in Yemen. I wear pantyhose, suits, and three inch heels. I make spreadsheets and battle with Microsoft Word for the privilege of typing upside down to make name-place cards for lunches (Hint: it's not possible. Manipulate the system by flipping the name positions on the page and then flip the direction of the paper as you feed it into the printer one page at a time.). I learned that if you are making an online agenda for a series of activities for a group of people, overkill and simplicity are key.

This is very fun, and useful. I learn all sorts of things, meet all sorts of people, and receive some Yemeni coffee (yum). I also see a whole city from a Not Tourist's perspective. I know most of the highway systems, and where all the HOV lanes are. I know which restaurants have good take out, which suck, which biker bars are particularly unsafe, and which will give you free baklava if you are made to wait too long.

Things I have learned about Texas and Texans:

1. Houstonians are a breed of particularly aware, educated, and clean-accented Texans.

2. "Everything is Bigger in Texas" does not necessarily mean size. It also mean quality. If you are going to open a restaurant, it is not going to be some anonymous building with food and seating inside, it's going to be themed, and decked out, and the staff is going to be competent. I have met no incompetent employees, from security gaurds to waiters to managers of oil corporations. Even people who work slowly, and in circles (I have met only two), finish their jobs to the nth degree.

3. The world runs on the things people do here. We worry about gas prices for a reason. This city is largely where the deals are brokered for those prices. It is the cradle of capitalist life. Such an overarching theme, and motivational core lends the entire city a sense of Can Do not currently felt elsewhere in the world. The roads and streets are ridiculously clean, the street cleaners dress business casual, the shopping strip malls are sequestered in glades seemingly designed by adult graphic design nerds. While there are super-churches dotting the highways, high quality restaurants and shoe boutiques evoke the same God/Jesus awe and devotion.

4. Sheriffs, of course, wear ten gallon hats and ride horses through the streets in packs of 5 or 6 pintos.

5. There are no zoning laws. Want your house to be the next puppy palace? Go for it. Want to build a skyscraper with a 7 level parking garage in this neighborhood? Show me the money. It's crazy. Luckily there is enough money flowing through all these ramshackle entrepreneurs succeed and fallen shacks of yesteryear's failings are few and far between. Either that or some observant person will see that bankrupt China Buffet that looks like Disney financed a mini Beijing, and refit it as a bonsai and other big tree nursery--instant gimmick. Why not?

I like it.